Time to come clean...

I am a horrible blogger. Let's just establish that right now. I have great intentions I just never seem to make the time to do it. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. I have used this blog as mostly a fitness type thing. That is part of the reason that I have not had a new post since January.* I said in the January post that {bleep} was about to get real. Well, hang on tight because it is confession time. This will be one of the most personal posts I have ever written, but I need to clear the air. So, without further adieu...

Hi, I'm Christopher and I'm a poser/phony/liar/hypocrite/fraud/{insert similar synonyms here}

Now, you may be asking yourself why I am being so hard on myself. Because someone has to, and it is true. A little over a year ago I decided, not really sure why, that it was way past time to get in shape (besides round). I did really well. I was running every day and working out almost every day. My progress is well-documented on this blog. I slacked off during the summer, which is where the downward slide began. I used the excuse that it was too hot but that was exactly what it was. An excuse. And one of many. If you follow this blog closely, and God love you if you do because I am not sure I follow this blog very closely, this may all sound like deja-vu. It is. I made a similar post almost a year ago. This is going to be much more personal. Fast forward to October 2012. I was all geared up to do the Might Mud Dash in November. I'd had a nagging knee injury for months but I just thought it was because I have been fat longer than I haven't.** Turns out it was a torn meniscus. I had surgery, could not do the run, blah, blah, blah poor me. Check the back logs if you want to whole whiny epic.

I let me knee beat me. I used it as the ultimate crutch and excuse. I was afraid to push it again. Yoda is absolutely right. Fear led to anger that I lost so much progress. Anger led to me hating myself for allowing it to happen. Hate led to suffering a lot of depression. I have lost the pride I had found in how great I had done. I have lost the new-found respect I have developed. I am disappointed in myself for allowing this setback to undo all my hard work.

Now what does this have to do with my declaration of being a phony? Well I talk a big game about working out and training for runs and such and a year ago it was all true. Now, that is all it is. Talk. And cheap talk to boot. I a member of LoseIt, Fitocracy, Nexercise, Runkeeper, and MapMyRun. I have all these apps including Zombies, RUN! (in my defense of that one I am on the 5K Trainer version so no runs to track yet) on my phone and I don't use any of them. I drink 2 protein shakes a day and have a protein bar as a snack. That alone is almost 75 grams of protein a day not counting whatever else is in my food. You would think I work out three times a day with that much protein intake. You would be so wrong. I barely work out three time a WEEK. I have not had a decent workout really since before my surgery. I have tried and gone through the motions but my head and my heart have not been in it. I am letting a lot of external forces in that are zapping my motivation and drive.

Lets look at then vs now:

Then: worked out almost every day -- Now: barely workout at all

Then: watched what I ate very closely -- Now: eat whatever, whenever

Then: did not snack much if at all -- Now: munch off and on most of the night

Then: tracked everything I ate and all activities -- Now: barely keep track of anything

And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on. So what changed? My state of mind did. I used to come home from work, get in a quick run on the treadmill, make dinner, then go work out for an hour. Now I come home, make a snack, sit on my butt, make dinner, sit on my butt some more, and pretty much eat off and on until I decide to go to bed. I would have chips and salsa, candy, graze dinner leftovers, fruit (not often enough), ice cream. Hell, sometimes I will make a small sandwich at 11pm just because I am bored, my stomach growls, I can't find anything on TV to watch, and I just do not want to go to bed (that is a whole different issue). I know this all stems from my depression. I allowed my knee injury and surgery to get inside my head. Between the injury, the lost momentum, the stress over how much the surgery cost (my insurance sucks), and the usual stresses I deal with (work, money, etc.) I have stopped trying and accepted defeat. I have put on most, if not all the weight I lost last year. I am taking the easy way out of things. Such as I was going to do a 5K this month and I was all too happy to back out of it for a "family conflict."***

The point of all this is if I "walked" as much as I "talked" I would look like Ryan Reynolds by now. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see because I know I let all of this happen. I tell myself that I should get back on track but then I start with all the reasons not to. It feels like a little voice in my head that keeps talking me out of doing anything. I have a skinny angel and a fat devil on my shoulders. The skinny angel says "Hey, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it!" The fat devil says "Or...you could get some chips and salsa and marathon Firefly." The fat devil usually wins. Here is a glimpse into my psyche when I think about working out. Warning: this is pretty much stream of consciousnesses...

i really should go for a run but it is cold outside cant run in the cold it makes my lungs hurt if i try to run too much i will hurt my knee more and it will be really bad i could go box in the fortress it is not that cold out there but it is kind of late and i ate a big dinner and i will get sick i could do the tires but again it is cold and it just rained so it is wet and it might rain again so better not risk it if i push myself too hard my knee with hurt again my knee hurts right now i better not push it i can start doing rushfit again on monday that will not work because i will not be home tuesday because james has a game and i wont be able to workout on thursday because i have to work late so why even start if i cant do it everyday i can try to adapt the program since i have completed it once before already and just do certain workouts and mix tires and boxing in around it i am really tired i have a cold my knee hurts i have to post the podcast i have to work on the yearbook i should really clean the kitchen and the boys room and the bathroom i think i need to cut my hair i need to see if there is an update on twitter or facebook look there is a new trailer for a comic book movie on youtube man i am hungry and really do not have anything else to do but i am not sure if i am really hungry or just bored but i really dont care because it will give me something to do i really hope steph does not hear the microwave go off because i dont want to explain that i am eating again since it is so late maybe i will just wait for her to go to bed but i really should not eat at 11 at night but if i am hungry i should eat something right

That is just a little bit about how my evening runs most of the time. I have gotten REALLY good at convincing myself that I should not work out. I love watching UFC and The Ultimate Fighter and I find inspiration in their training sessions as I sit on my butt and eat some more. I really do not like myself right now. The great irony is that my depression and stress are why I am allowing myself to not workout and eat all the time and the consequences of those actions are making me more depressed. I am hoping by airing all of this publicly it will help. I am not really sure what to do to get out of this current mental and emotional funk I am in but something needs to happen and happen soon. I just feel grey right now, much like the rain cloud about this paragraph. I'm a little black rain cloud but not in the cute Pooh kind of way. This is not a cry for help, this is not sympathy ploy, and this is not a pity party (at least I don't mean it to be). This is my coming clean with the {bleep} I have been slinging for the last 4 months. This is also about holding myself accountable.

I have been a member of Nerd Fitness for along time and thanks to the Facebook page I have discovered Project Reroll and have found a lot of inspiration from both sites. Steve has some really good articles and I need to go back and re-read some of them. Seriously, you need to check out the site. It is a great way to look at fitness, especially for the nerd community. If you like it, join the forums. I have tried completing the 6-week challenge and have not had the best luck with that. Quick shout-out to forum members surge_supra and jstanlick. They have been my biggest supporters in the challenges and I feel like I have let them down. They are good people. I have gone through the motions on most of it.  I need pull the cartridge, blow on it, push it up and down, and try again. Baby steps...

Step 1: I actually quit drinking sodas (or cokes as we call it in Texas, even if it is not Coke). Not sure why, just did. I have not had a soft drink in over a month. Coffee, tea, and water. And non-sweetened tea when possible****

Step 2: I am actively running again and I am working on running with proper form this time. As of this writing I have run once, but I did it with proper form and it was a major difference. My legs hurt like never before from running but I am a big fan of the benefits this new form is bringing.

So, in closing, I am going to evaluate things, find my mojo/inspiration/motivation/etc. and try to live up to the persona I am trying to convey. Honestly, part of my disliking of myself right now is related to the fact that I feel like I am deceiving everyone. I am going to come up with a new plan and will post my strategy for "Project Reset Button". Huzzah!

\m/ IS NO TRY \m/

*I REALLY need to stop posting about posting more often. It seems the more I do that the less I end up actually posting anything.

**Yes, I am using the word FAT. I am not using obese, overweight, or any other PC term... I AM FAT. And yes this is self-deprecating but it is tough love on my part. Just go with it.

***This is a legit conflict, don't get me wrong. But I still could have said I had a 5K to do that morning.

****There is no such thing as UNsweet tea. It comes that way. There is not process that removes the sweet from tea. It is tea or sweet tea. If you need a distiction say NON-sweetened tea.